Ill Communication: Saturn Square Mercury Conjunct Chiron

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saturn-mercury-chironI felt sensitive, vulnerable, grumpy, insecure, and moody yesterday. The way I felt yesterday is the way that I feel when the Aries Moon transits my natal Mercury conjunct Chiron in the 8th house as it squares Moon conjunct Saturn in the 11th house.

Communication is a constant problem for me. I avoid talking about deeper emotions and part of me refuses to engage my emotional self in conversation. I struggle to write and talk about how I feel and only ever scratch the surface of my emotions. Today’s New Moon in Scorpio will be in my 3rd house, highlighting intense emotional communication in the house and sign of my North Node.

Talking about the way that I feel is painful. Opening up emotionally and making myself vulnerable by sharing feelings with another person hurts.

In the past I’ve been guilty of just saying “I’m fine” and leaving it at that. A problem in the past also was finding people to talk with, yet at the same time, I didn’t know what it was I wanted to talk about exactly. Sometimes I found people who mirrored my emotional state too closely and I couldn’t bear to speak with them so I would avoid them altogether.

At times in my life I barely felt the need to speak at all – clamming up, erecting fortresses bordered by mazes, hiding, being evasive, seeking escape, fleeing from feelings of extreme vulnerability and sensitivity – until my jaw got so tight I thought I had TMJ, but I recognized it for what it was: over-restriction of my speech. I could convince myself that I had nothing to say. Chiron and Saturn were trampling my Mercury. How could I speak directly when I had a planetary vice grip around my throat?

Allowing myself to actually feel what I feel and then also allowing myself to talk about those feelings, resisting the urge to cut off and spare myself the burden of communicating uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, is a slow process. There is some part of me that feels speaking openly is like dying. Sometimes I feel that even when I’m addressing difficult subjects, I’m still holding back and keeping everything at arm’s length, I don’t dare enter all the way – I keep a safe distance. Making an attempt to talk about it makes me feel both relieved and uneasy.

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I'm Michelle and I write AstroFix. I have an Aries Sun, Leo Moon, and Virgo rising. Find me on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and Google+.
  • Oops..he’s still boyfriend.. I though you married 🙂

    Guess our natal chart never lie to us.
    In here too, I feel the pressure..Saturn also square my mercury in 5th= In me, Saturn always bullying my grammar. (sorry Mich, I know I make mess everywhere) It’s just my brain not wired that way.^^ hoho :/

    Meanwhile in yours is about, deeper feeling (8th) sigh..Anyway, communication is about expression.
    sigh..like it’s annoying when something blocked our freedom of speech.

    Although the depression issue was HEAVIER on me but in this case it’s yours because chiron and Saturn play apart.
    How to get off from those melancholy planetary grip? It’s not me to tell 🙂
    but when you overcome this, the reward is quite relieving because this is the ‘wounded healer’ life lesson, second best after north node I think 🙂

    • We are practically married- we’ve been together over 10 years.

      Saturn makes me double check everything I write and everything I say. I always question myself.

      You are so wise and profound joswan. I love your comments 🙂

      • 🙂 Dont let this small head explode, Thanks! Sure

        yeah and I thought my Mercury in Virgo already smart, Saturn just break it down (squaring) my composition and left me stranded with my mercurial anxiousness..creating bad grammar lol

        Not in case of conjunction, it’s totally different I bet.
        Wish u luck! Hey this is from 2009 btw, didn’t check that previously hehe 🙂

        • Lol 🙂 I know you can handle a compliment.

          There’s no time limit to leave comments. I’ve actually thought about deleting the dates so no one knows how old the posts are.

  • Christine

    I think the nature of your ascendant also accounts for the way you like to help other people. Virgo Rising not only is helpful, but it picks up, and remembers very carefully what is meaningful to who it’s helping. It could just be Mercury in the 8th, but you remember those things, and it could be that people only remember things that are significant to them. I think you make others feel good — simply by remembering that, “Oh, Mia might be interested in this Moon-Mars article; I remember Ananda was asking about Mars-Pluto contacts.” So, camizi Amor in the 8th house wants to unconditionally share and help, and Virgo Rising executes by tailoring its help to each individual’s needs. I think this aspect can be very good at touching people in very specific, subtle ways. (Like, “aw, you remembered.” 🙂 )I have weird Mercury and 3rd house stuff going on, so I never know if I’m being redundant, or ambiguous, so I hope you know what I mean!

    • Thank you- that’s exactly how I think of myself. It’s really nice to hear that someone else think the same way about me.

  • Christine

    It seems to me like you always have a lot to say and you give me the impression that you’re a compulsive note-taker, with plenty of thoughts going on in your head. I remember that you also have a Mercury-Pluto opposition (I have this aspect, too), do you think that aspect adds anything to feeling like, you just can’t communicate your feelings? I’m assuming you’ve kept private journals. Were those ever helpful? 🙁 This must’ve been a very difficult thing to write, Michelle — probably one of the most personal accounts of yours I’ve seen. I’m sending a flood of love your way. <3

    • I don’t have Mercury-Pluto, just Mercury in 8H.

      you give me the impression that you’re a compulsive note-taker
      I jot my thoughts down…it gives me a way to empty my head.

      The only journal I’ve kept consistently is my dream journal, but even that has some big gaps from the years I had issues with depression. Unfortunately, the more upset I am, the less I write- it’s like I can’t bear writing and I can’t bear to read what I’ve written. I hate reading my old writing.