Transiting Pluto is in my 4th house. It’s been there since 1996. Pluto crossed my IC, conjuncted Neptune, and continues to bulldoze through. Its passage will climax in an exact Mars-Pluto-Pluto T-square in 2015 before it heads into my 5th house. I’ll either experience a violent transformation, or become Super Woman- or both.

For the past two weeks I’ve been near tears almost every day. Relationships with my family are strained. “Nonexistent” might be a better word for it. Right now transiting Pluto at 5 Capricorn is square my 2nd house cusp at 5 Libra.

When Pluto entered my 4th house, the struggles were with my mother. I barely spoke to her for 2 years. When my brother nearly died in 2001, it became crystal clear that my family has issues with supporting each other. No one flew out to be with my mother as she sat by my brother’s side. There seemed to be a cloud of denial over the entire experience. Yet- I’m not sure it mattered that I was there.

As Pluto trudged through my 4th, I realized that my family wasn’t supporting me either. I felt lost and despondent. I remembered why, when I was younger, I had felt that I didn’t matter to anyone nearly as much as I hoped I did.

When Pluto landed on my natal Neptune I felt like the entire foundation of my personality melted away. I tried to reestablish a relationship with my grandparents. I made a point of visiting them. Eventually I felt taken for granted and like I was being a nuisance more than anything else.

At that same time, I wanted to get to know my dad better. I wanted to bring our relationship to a deeper level.

• I have a natal Sagittarian 4th house with Neptune in Sag in the 4th.
• My father is a Sagittarian Sun with Pisces rising.
• My natal Neptune in the 4th house trines my Sun in the 8th house.
• Chiron loosely conjuncts my Sun and forms a sesquiquadrate to Neptune.

I never had any ill feelings towards my dad though he was barely in my life. When we did spend time together, I loved it. I empathized with him, I felt sorry for him, and I had compassion and sympathy for him- but I had little for myself. I continuously gave myself the short end of the stick in our relationship- whatever little I got was enough.

The most continuous time we’ve ever spent together was *almost* two weeks. The norm was no more than two days in a row. I remember, when I was 9, that I only saw him three times that year- six days out of 365 days.

He came to visit me in April 2009. That was after five years of not seeing each other at all. We’ve had sporadic conversations since then.

Several times over the last ten years he’s asked me if I thought we were really related. At first I thought he was joking. I thought he was saying that I looked so different, that I had gotten older. After 34 years of knowing me, he doesn’t know me. I think I’m still in shock that he could say something like that. How can he not know? It reinforces for me that he doesn’t know me, that he hasn’t taken the time to get to know me, and that, maybe, he doesn’t want to. Maybe, he doesn’t want to know me as much as I want to know him.

Despite all of that I never considered myself to have grown up “without a father”- a dose of Sun trine Neptune self-delusion.

My birthday was April 8th and he didn’t call. For a week I carried around with me a deep internal sadness that I couldn’t pinpoint. It took snapping at my boyfriend for me to come clean about what was really bothering me.

I don’t know what it’s like for all women who grow up without a father. In my case, I internalized a father figure. I became my own authority. I hardened. I formed a persona that was impenetrable and would protect me. I have no male authority figures in my life. No man, who isn’t my boyfriend, who I can go to for advice or to talk, for assurance, or for a swift kick in the pants.

I wonder how long I will allow myself to accept crumbs of affection as love. Ultimately I will have to accept the limits of his love. I will learn how to fill the hole in my heart with something substantial and real.

Jeremy, of Chirotic Journal, has mentioned several times that people with Chiron in Aries may feel insignificant. When my father expresses doubts about whether or not I am his, it makes me question the very core of my existence. Why am I even here? What is my point? I’ve resolved most of those feelings.

Sometimes I do what my father does: I don’t call people for months- and I tell myself that it’s acceptable behavior. Not calling family or friends for months at a time is not acceptable behavior. People need to know that I love them, they need to hear it- I can’t just assume that they know.

Feist- The Limit to Your Love

(Not a fan of the video, but the song is great)

For those interested, I’ve been using the flower essence Yerba Santa for the past few months to help release grief from my heart.