Depression: Learning to Be My Own Cheerleader

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birthday candlesIn my natal chart I have the Moon conjunct Saturn. That Moon/Saturn conjunction is the focal point of a t-square with Jupiter and Uranus. I either completely lack emotion, or run to huge emotional extremes. Learning how not to seize up or lash out has been hard. I don’t think it helps that my Moon/Saturn conjunction includes Saturn in Cancer. My emotions flow in fits and starts and sometimes I don’t want to feel anything. At worst I sink into a deep sticky apathetic lethargy that I can’t pull out of.

Because my Moon/Saturn conjunction is the focal point of a T-square, giving myself enough appreciation, positive feedback and actual physical nurturing has been a learning process. Simple things like eating regularly, sleeping normal amounts and taking care of my body make a huge difference in my mood and can prevent a pending downward spiral. Saturn makes me want to neglect my needs and deny my emotions. I can’t allow myself to give in.

My Moon in Leo suffers in this t-square. It gets torn in a three way tug of war between Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus. What I do, instead of beating myself up (which is easy with Mars exactly square Pluto), is remind myself of all the things I’m doing right. Leo needs to feel appreciated and special, and that attention can come from within. I’m learning to be my own cheerleader.

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  • Armin

    I know this is a very old post but do you still have depression? I have dealt with this throughout my entire life.

    Everyone always comments on how I look extremely emotionless. I don’t know what’s it like to be truly happy. I don’t know what’s it liked being cared for. It’s extremely difficult to let myself be emotionally vulnerable.
    This has caused a lot of problems when I first started working because I began in retail. I was expected to smile and be cheerful but I found it to be impossible. Trusting people is also difficult. Even when I date, it takes me at least six months for me to at least try to trust the girl I’m with.
    Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I wasn’t born at all. My relationship with my parents is damaged goods and can not be repaired. I blame them for everything that is wrong with me.

    Gemini Sun opposition Retrograde Sagittarius Saturn within 5.5 degrees
    Sun sesquiquadrate Retrograde Scorpio Pluto within 1 degree.
    Sun square Pisces Ceres within 2.9 degrees
    Sun conjunct Gemini Chiron within 5.3 degrees
    Cancer Moon opposition Saturn within 2 degrees
    Moon square Ceres within 4.5 degrees
    Moon conjunction Chiron within 2.1 degrees
    Saturn opposition Chiron within .1 degree Saturn square Ceres within 2.6 degrees
    Pluto sesquiquadrate Ceres within 1.9 degrees

    Sun is in third house. Moon is within 1 degree of fourth house. Saturn is in ninth house. Pluto is in seventh house. Ceres is in 12th house. Chiron is within 2 degrees of fourth house.

    • Hi Armin,

      I still deal with depression, but it’s changed. Things that used to be able to drag me very far down don’t have as much power over me anymore.

      Retail is the pits. It is the complete opposite of authentic emotional expression. In public retail environments it is totally taboo to have an authentic exchange with another human being.

      Here are a few things you can begin to do to break through your barriers:

      1. Tell yourself what you need to hear, and mean it. It’s helpful to say it as if hearing it from another person, or as if it were a wiser version of you speaking to yourself.
      – “I love you, Armin”
      -“I have the right to express myself”
      -“I care about other people and I care about myself too”
      -“I can create a life that makes me happy”

      2. Start doing more of what you really like to do and less of what you hate to do.
      -If there are things that you have to do even though you hate doing them, give yourself a talk about why you need to do those things. For example, I used to have trouble paying my bills before the due date. I hated the obligation and I would always procrastinate. Eventually I sat myself down and explained to myself why it was important – to me. I realized that I kept telling myself internally that I “needed” to do this and I “needed” to that, and I changed my inner language to “I want to … because.” Using my own personal language instead of whatever the language is that other people use to justify their actions. I pay my bills on time now because … I want to have good credit and I want to eliminate the stress of overdue payments (I worked to enable myself to put nearly everything on autopay so overdue payments are no longer an issue)

      3. Be kind to yourself. Forgive your flaws. Be more accepting of even your most nasty personality traits – you don’t have to feed them and encourage them, but at least accept they are there. It will help you to be more empathetic towards others and a more complete and authentic individual.

  • Gerazee

    In my chart:
    Moon in Taurus in opposition to Saturn in Scorpio (applying 5 deg orb)
    Moon conjuncts North Node (applying 2 deg orb)
    Saturn conjuncts South Node (seperating 3 deg orb)

    For me it comes down to letting emotions be my teacher and no longer trying to control or judge them. If that means I am sad or depressed and have no idea why, let it be. I am not gonna “feel good” so that others can “feel good” and be pleased and comfortable in my presence or “not disturbed” by my mood. I am giving myself a permission to feel what I feel and instead of judging them as “negative” I call them “feelings of being honest with myself” or “emotions that speak my truth”, not anyone else’s.

    For me Moon-Saturn aspect is about releasing external opinions of how “I should feel”. Whenever feeling hopeless all I can do is to sit down, embrace and hug myself in my mind, and just be with myself and that empty feeling without trying to “motivate myself” or “rationalize myself” into something I do not feel.

    I see Moon-Saturna aspect as “emotion judge” or “thought police”. The Moon-Staurn face off is helping me release external teachers and “thought authorities”, re-discover my own voice within, and become my own best qualified teacher and guide.

    • re-discover my own voice within, and become my own best qualified teacher and guide.
      Agree.

  • Bob

    Your contributions are greatly appreciated in this corner. Though I came across Linda Goodman’s material on my mother’s bookshelf as a child, and took a deeper look around the time of my Saturn Return, it is only in the past five or six months that I have begun to really expand my awareness of astrology. It’s been revelatory, and coming across your blog has been immensely helpful.

    For one, your style is highly appealing to me; my mind enjoys and benefits from the way you present information. But it’s the content that knocks me out. It’s deep and rich and poignant and a joy to assimilate. I have looked at a lot of astrological information from a wide variety of sources; your “book” (in progress) is a keeper, and I look forward to each new chapter.

    As all my planets are aspected, some quite heavily and seriously, there’s always something for me. And on the rare occassion something isn’t particularly applicable to me – rare – I gain insight into other people.

    Anyway, not to be long-winded but to offer a sincere Thank You Very Much. I, like you, understand that life comes in phases with specific lessons to be learned (or not) and opportunity to be utilized, or not.

    This morning I’m looking into Jupiter/Saturn aspects, as mine are conjunct (5-degree) orb. Perhaps you’ll touch on this at one point. I’d be very interested, but even if not, Thanks.

    You’re a diamond.

    • Michelle

      You wrote such a stunning comment I don’t think I can compare. Thank you Bob.

      it is only in the past five or six months that I have begun to really expand my awareness of astrology
      Good luck on your new journey. Your chart is the guide.

      your “book” (in progress)
      We’ll see!

  • Bob

    Your contributions are greatly appreciated in this corner. Though I came across Linda Goodman’s material on my mother’s bookshelf as a child, and took a deeper look around the time of my Saturn Return, it is only in the past five or six months that I have begun to really expand my awareness of astrology. It’s been revelatory, and coming across your blog has been immensely helpful.

    For one, your style is highly appealing to me; my mind enjoys and benefits from the way you present information. But it’s the content that knocks me out. It’s deep and rich and poignant and a joy to assimilate. I have looked at a lot of astrological information from a wide variety of sources; your “book” (in progress) is a keeper, and I look forward to each new chapter.

    As all my planets are aspected, some quite heavily and seriously, there’s always something for me. And on the rare occassion something isn’t particularly applicable to me – rare – I gain insight into other people.

    Anyway, not to be long-winded but to offer a sincere Thank You Very Much. I, like you, understand that life comes in phases with specific lessons to be learned (or not) and opportunity to be utilized, or not.

    This morning I’m looking into Jupiter/Saturn aspects, as mine are conjunct (5-degree) orb. Perhaps you’ll touch on this at one point. I’d be very interested, but even if not, Thanks.

    You’re a diamond.

  • Anonymous

    my saturn and moon is trine. i definitely have a problem with depression. I get depressed everytime i detached myself. Moon in Aquarius.

    • Moon in Aquarius, in aspect to Saturn, seems to be particularly difficult – according to comments that people have left around the blog.

      • Anonymous

        even if when it is trine?

        • No, not as much, but there still seems to be issues.

          • Anonymous

            what i noticed is that, even if Idetached my self. for example everytime I go to sleep. I still discpline myself. This when I usually regenerate myself.

      • Mirrorofamirror100

        I agree; I can’t comment on ‘Moon aspects to Saturn’ as the option is now closed but here I can certainly confirm that in my case too Aquarius moon that trines Saturn puts me down regularly. It also self-disciplines me – that’s a good thing.
        It seems that a lot affects me and it does not take much for me too feel down.

        I empathise with your description of feeling lack of emotion and also with then jumping to the extreme high emotions and feeling full of life. In my case this must be, I reckon, Moon that also trines Jupiter, my chart’s ruler.

        It’s a particularly tough time for me now because Saturn sextiles my AC.

        Thanks for a piece of advise re: regular eating: I may try that.
        Also, I’ve noticed that regular exercising helps and so does everything on the subject of low-self esteem below:
        http://www.relate.org.uk/common-problem-details/182/index.html

        • Michelle

          Thank you for sharing your thoughts Mirrorofamirror100.

          Moon sextile Saturn should be giving you an opportunity to take more responsibility for your emotional states right now.

          • Mirrorofamirror100

            My moon will sextile Sat on 9th May and then on the 18th – I am looking forward to that as I am rather useless these days.

            Do you too feel really bad about not doing much when you are down? For example, you are aware of how much work awaits to be dealt with but you literately cannot do anything. You cannot be careless about duties neither undertake them.

            Personally, it’s very hard to me to waste time so feeling down for 3 days challenges my rather responsible attitude as well as optimism and joy of life.

            • Michelle

              Do you too feel really bad about not doing much when you are down?
              A little, but I don’t have a very strong Saturn, Capricorn or 10th house influence (aside from Moon conjunct Saturn). I tend to take the view that those things can wait. It helps me to narrow down what is really important and what isn’t.

  • gemini rising

    Hi – fantastic blog! And a very interesting article…

    I have a Moon/Saturn exact conjunction exactly on my Aquarian Midheaven, an aspect which is also part of a very powerful T-square – opposing Mars in Leo and focalising on my Sun/Neptune conjunction in Scorpio.

    Yes depression has been a huge issue (MC) very longstanding (Saturn) and much to do with my relationship with my mother (Moon). I would completely agree, the most effective way of coming to terms with the placement is to become ‘your own cheerleader’, your own best friend. I appreciate that in the grip of depression this can be really difficult. Fortunately, as the saying goes, the solution lies in the problem.

    It is never easy but hard work, age and experience go a long way towards putting a Moon/Saturn conjunction into perspective (not easy when it’s on the MC but possible…) and I believe acceptance of the aspect is the key. You are never going to wake up in the morning and find its all been a bad dream and really it’s trined with Jupiter or discover a host of beneficial aspects or placements that somehow you never noticed before…Fortunately you don’t have to because somewhere in there your Moon/Saturn placement will have made you incredibly emotionally (Moon) resilient ( You know who…) and able to really focus and work hard at those issues which seem to be causing you such pain.

    There is no quick fix, it takes a long time and there will be setbacks, but when this happens there is also the determination to deal with them, whatever they are. Saturn imparts realism; with a Moon/Saturn conjunction you will eventually learn what works for you.

    Thanks for providing such a good space for this discussion!

    • with a Moon/Saturn conjunction you will eventually learn what works for you.
      I agree. The solution varies for each person.

      I work very hard on the issues that cause me pain (Moon/Saturn square Chiron in the 8th house)! 🙂

      Thank you so much for your feedback gemini rising.

      • I never really got depressed until later in life, but then realized that it was probably because I had consumed myself with busy-ness in those earlier years. It catches up with us later on. People who don’t understand, who’ve never really endured real depression–and also obsessions/addictions…people that feel you should be able to just snap out of it, don’t have a clue. And it’s especially hard for people who take pride in being “in control,” being strong, perfectionists and all. Thinking you should be able to just push through it…but it’s like trying to push through a brick wall. Wishing you could control it, but you don’t even feel like you’re the one at the controls. And it makes ya’ angry. Thing is, that’s what I think depression is, anger that we’ve long ignored. It eventually kinda morphs into depression. We can swallow it, keep it down, for only so long. A therapist had me personify my emotions–asked where they were located in the body and all. My anger said it was in my stomach, depression in “colo-rectal area.” Seems blatant that it’s anger traveling down farther into the body…

        My anger indicates “he” likes exercise–and I didn’t realize until this moment, “hearing” that he likes punching and kick-boxing type moves 🙂 And when I can get myself to, I put pen to paper–allowing a lot of wicked-angry stuff to come out. Yoga helps too.

        Hmm, interesting how many here knew they didn’t want children even as a child. I thought that was some kinda rare bird. When I would say, as a kid, that I would never marry or have children, my mother would say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind when you get older.” I’d reply with raised eyebrow, “No I won’t.”

        Anyway, I’ve been itchin’ to tell you, Michelle, that I absolutely love, I mean I frickin’ LOVE the images you use on this blog. I don’t know how many or if any are photographs you’ve taken yourself, or images you’ve created, but you have an awesome “eye.” My eyes–and soul–just devour the artful goodness of your images. {Off topic but, have you noticed Libra peeps tend to use the word “just” a lot, lol}

        Dove

        • I really love this response Dove. I can relate to a lot of it.

          I’m so glad you like the images. There is only one photo on the blog that I actually took: http://astrofix.net/2009/11/14/the-transiting-north-node-in-capricorn/
          The rest of the photos are from tumblr. I have hundreds of images saved waiting for the right post. I feel like a have a very personal aesthetic sense. I’m glad it shows through 😀

  • Msfullroller

    Hey cosmic cousin! I can totally relate to this post having the quincunx. My Leo Moon is in a grand square with Venus in Aquarius, Neptune in Scorpio and NN in Taurus. While currently going through these mid-life transits over the last 7-8 years, I have concluded the same thing…I must be my own cheerleader. What’s also helped is pulling my creativity out of the closet and letting it shine, doing what makes me happy, regardless of what anybody else thinks.

    I want you to know that you are very much appreciated for what you do here! 🙂

    • What’s also helped is pulling my creativity out of the closet and letting it shine, doing what makes me happy, regardless of what anybody else thinks.
      Totally agree. I feel like I’m getting too old to care what anyone thinks about what I’m doing. Well, I care, but I don’t let it throw me off course.

  • Hey..I totally feel ya about depression and don’t you know that depression is a HUGE topic in search query like yahoo?
    Top search today: Depression. I encountered that numerous times. Many people in the world are like floating on the ocean and try to get help otherwise they’ll drown (I dk why I relate depression with icy cold-dark ocean).

    When I depress, I never think I should be my own cheerleader..that’s a totally new mentality- but thanks for alternative ^^
    My depression usually occur from 2nd house lilith or Sun square Saturn 5th and 7th or could it be node node?

    When we try to dig our depression..usually that also gonna bump our most sensitive issue..I don’t wanna be like those cocksure virgos criticizing this and that. And i bet you dont like people to do that here ^^

    But Mich, I see the fine point from your Moon conj Saturn 11th..is the venus on 7th. I think your relationship with him (ur hubby) is the biggest strength to overcome this depression or it could be your job contract or client.
    Venus is like a subtle strength because she can help to ease up situation and make you earn beauty from every kind of situation.

    I thought I wanna request you something but …Get better, Get well, you need to rest 🙂

    xoxo

    • But Mich, I see the fine point from your Moon conj Saturn 11th..is the venus on 7th. I think your relationship with him (ur hubby) is the biggest strength to overcome this depression or it could be your job contract or client.

      Thanks joswan. My boyfriend is a tremendous source of encouragement to me. His Jupiter conjoins my Moon/Saturn conjunction. My natal Venus’s trines to those planets definitely helps. I think if I didn’t have them I’d be a very dour person.

  • Aqua gal

    Bravo to you for sharing this, Michelle. It’s hard enough to keep up an astro blog (I tried once), but even harder to share your feelings when you’re depressed. I also have a Saturn/Moon conjunction (conj the MC), and went through a major depression years ago. Lately after the death of my estranged brother, I’ve felt on the verge of it again. You’re so right about taking care of sleep, diet, etc. Those “little” things that other people can ignore really do a number on us. Like you, I have a grand cross (Sun Chiron conj/Ur/Nep/Mars). I can’t imagine having to deal with more than one. Post when you can, and know that your blog is helping many, many people all over the world.

    • Thanks Aqua gal 🙂 I decided it was better to write a post about how I really feel than to claim that I’m just “busy.” I really love writing this blog. Sometimes it’s tough, but I still love it. What was your astrology blog called?

      Thank you for reading 🙂

  • Les

    I think astrology is wonderful for being able to analyze things from a more objective point of view, so you can see what might be setting you off and can sometimes get great insights in what you need to take care of yourself. Of course you still feel what you feel and that can be tough. Hang in there! You’re doing a great job here.

    My Leo Moon is conjunct Uranus and Ascendant, so I know about fluctuating feelings – all too exposed, too! And it’s opposite Chiron. It’s my Sun that gets the Saturn treatment being square Saturn. After years of tough transits, I’m enjoying that those transits have moved on. 🙂

    • Is your ascendant also in Leo?

      Thank you for the kind words Les 😀

      • Les

        Yes, Uranus at 14 Leo, Ascendant at 17 Leo and Moon at 18 Leo. Alas, Chiron at 18 Aquarius. With a critical Virgo Sun square Saturn that can be tough on that Leo Moon/Ascendant!

        • I think it’s hard to be a Leo Moon sometimes. Virgo Sun square Saturn must be confusing- I’m guessing it’s Saturn in Sagittarius. Are you an active mothering type?

          • Les

            No children! (I’m 52) Yes, Virgo Sun square Saturn in Sag on 5th house cusp :-(. But Saturn is trine my Moon. What makes it all more confusing is having Venus conjoined Pluto in early Virgo as well. Leo Moon/Uranus and Virgo Venus/Pluto – very push-pull relationship-wise. Lots of involvement with noncommittal types, lots of painful crises. I’m finally in a very nice 18-month-long close relationship with someone who let’s me be who I am.

            • In Person to Person astrology Stephen Arroyo writes that Leo Moon people often don’t have children, or have only one.

              • Msfullroller

                Wow, that’s an interesting take on it and the first time I’ve heard it. However after giving it some thought I can see why. I was thinking it was because of Capricorn being on cusp of my 5th and it’s ruler being quincunx my 12th house Leo Moon. I don’t have children and knew from a very young age that I did not want any either.

  • susan

    definitely sad due to heartbreak but i am so grateful for good days. i wish u so much happiness and love 🙂

    • Thank you Susan. Thank you for reading 🙂

  • I’m a traditional girl and only count aspects in same signs, so refuse to see my 1st house Moon/Saturn conjunction as a conjunction. Chiron 25 Pisces, Moon 27 Pisces, Saturn 1 Aries. Luckily, I have Jupiter (25 Cancer) trining in, so can still look under a coke bottle top and expect to see “you’re a winner” and be disappointed when I’m not. Despite that, Saturn has his day from time to time & Michelle, I feel for you. But I also thankyou for the support you give the rest of us 🙂

    • Which house system do you use?

      I do consider out of sign conjunctions to be conjunctions, but I think that the energy is different than that of a traditional same sign conjunction. My Moon has a hard time fully expressing itself. I relate to nearly every Moon/Saturn description I’ve ever read. Reading about that conjunction was one of the astrology moments that made me go “Whoa!” when I first started learning astrology.

      • Placidus. I have been experimenting with whole signs as well, but my Saturn is definitely a 1st house Saturn…at least it feels as such. You are right about the energy feeling different re out of sign conjunctions. Interestingly enough I relate to Moon/Saturn conjunction, but then also feel that it could be a function of the 12th house RxPisces Mercury as well. I would love to say that Saturn adds some boundaries to my Moon, but with the 2 trines to Jupiter and Neptune there are no boundaries…heavy sigh.

        • At least you have those trines to give some flow. Too much emotion often seems better than not enough.

  • Zodiacal_macaw_1210

    I, too, have a Moon / Saturn conjunction in Aquarius (Moon at 7° and Saturn at 3°). Along with Capricorn, this probably one of the more difficult placements where this conjunction can be at because Aquarius is famous for being cold, bitter, emotionally detached, apathetic and extremely cerebral. But in all Moon / Saturn conjunctions, bouts of depression and low self – esteem are present.

    What’s more, this conjunct squares my Venus in Scorpio (at 5°) and opposites my Chiron in Leo (at 9°). In this T – square, my Venus is the focal point and it suffers the most.

    In my life, I’ve suffered through depression for over 6 years now. It took me a long time to mentally renew and reframe my mindset to stop being so self – mutilating and self – sabotaging. Most of my depression stems from relationships and love. It’s not ironic that it’s my Venus suffers. Just last night, I suffer depression because I was emotionally unsatisfied of being single; feeling unloved, neglected, taken advantage of, emotionally scarred and shut out (symptoms of the Moon / Venus square) along with not feeling I’m ever worthy of love; it has seemed that every time I open my feelings to a potential boyfriend, my efforts to show them how I feel always goes in vain; with them either not being interested in me and going out with someone, mocking and disregarding my feelings and my heart or lead me on to think they love me when they really don’t (symptoms from the Venus / Saturn square). As far as my healing journey (my Venus / Chiron square), it was long, hard, arduous and pain-staking to finally find peace within myself and to climb over my depression but I still need to build up my confidence within myself and keep reminding myself that whoever catches my eye and they see me as a potential partner will be blessed to have me in their life.

    All in all, I can relate to this article because I’ve experienced it in my own life. A huge blessing is that I have the Sun, Mercury, Mars and Ascendant in Sagittarius (being the zodiac’s pep coach and cheerleaders). Along with a support group of friends, teachers, mentors and family, I’m blessed that I’m liberating myself from the chains and shackles of depression and self-mutilation.

    • It is hard. I think Chiron’s involvement makes it an ongoing struggle (Chiron is involved in my t-square too). Chiron might even be the one making it something that never completely heals. I am more control of it now than when I was younger. Like most aspects involving Saturn, this one seems to get easier with age.

      • Zodiacal_macaw_1210

        I agree. Not since two years ago, I started grabbing a foothold on my depression and managing it. Everyone suffers from the blues but I think people like us get them more often lol. Moon / Saturn conjunction isn’t all that bad. Aside from the depression and taking ourselves seriously, it gives us emotional composure, we make loyal friends, we have a sense of responsibility and duty to ourselves and other people, making us trustworthy and great confidants, people seem to be emotionally secured and comfortable with us (well, with me at least). You know you have me to talk to. Use that Leo and Aries energy and enthusiasm to push the clouds away. Be so jovial to the point where the pessimists want to puke lol X) Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. Think positively. You’re in control of your own thoughts and your own happiness.

        • Everyone suffers from the blues but I think people like us get them more often
          I think it’s hard for some people to understand the difference between getting the blues and real depression. I get the blues too sometime- but they pass. Depression demands some kind of concerted action to deal with it.

          Moon / Saturn conjunction isn’t all that bad. Aside from the depression and taking ourselves seriously, it gives us emotional composure, we make loyal friends, we have a sense of responsibility and duty to ourselves and other people, making us trustworthy and great confidants, people seem to be emotionally secured and comfortable with us
          I completely agree. Very well said 🙂

          Thank goodness for all that Fire 😀

          • Zodiacal_macaw_1210

            Use that Aries pep and enthusiasm and that Leo fire to lift your spirits. That Aries enthusiasm, confidence and independence is what I love about you guys. The Leo, lol, I love the comedic, fun-loving, playful, almost childlike quality of that sign. When the depression hits, call upon the fire in you to brighten your day. If you need help, call upon me, the Sagittarius, and I’ll lend you my pep talk and optimism 🙂