November 16, 2009
felt sensitive, vulnerable, grumpy, insecure, and moody yesterday. The way I felt yesterday is the way that I feel when the Aries Moon transits my natal Mercury conjunct Chiron in the 8th house as it squares Moon conjunct Saturn in the 11th house.
Communication is a constant problem for me. I avoid talking about deeper emotions and part of me refuses to engage my emotional self in conversation. I struggle to write and talk about how I feel and only ever scratch the surface of my emotions. Today’s New Moon in Scorpio will be in my 3rd house, highlighting intense emotional communication in the house and sign of my North Node.
Talking about the way that I feel is painful. Opening up emotionally and making myself vulnerable by sharing feelings with another person hurts.
In the past I’ve been guilty of just saying “I’m fine” and leaving it at that. A problem in the past also was finding people to talk with, yet at the same time, I didn’t know what it was I wanted to talk about exactly. Sometimes I found people who mirrored my emotional state too closely and I couldn’t bear to speak with them so I would avoid them altogether.
At times in my life I barely felt the need to speak at all – clamming up, erecting fortresses bordered by mazes, hiding, being evasive, seeking escape, fleeing from feelings of extreme vulnerability and sensitivity – until my jaw got so tight I thought I had TMJ, but I recognized it for what it was: over-restriction of my speech. I could convince myself that I had nothing to say. Chiron and Saturn were trampling my Mercury. How could I speak directly when I had a planetary vice grip around my throat?
Allowing myself to actually feel what I feel and then also allowing myself to talk about those feelings, resisting the urge to cut off and spare myself the burden of communicating uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, is a slow process. There is some part of me that feels speaking openly is like dying. Sometimes I feel that even when I’m addressing difficult subjects, I’m still holding back and keeping everything at arm’s length, I don’t dare enter all the way – I keep a safe distance. Making an attempt to talk about it makes me feel both relieved and uneasy.