Ill Communication: Saturn Square Mercury Conjunct Chiron

November 16, 2009

felt sensitive, vulnerable, grumpy, insecure, and moody yesterday. The way I felt yesterday is the way that I feel when the Aries Moon transits my natal Mercury conjunct Chiron in the 8th house as it squares Moon conjunct Saturn in the 11th house.

Communication is a constant problem for me. I avoid talking about deeper emotions and part of me refuses to engage my emotional self in conversation. I struggle to write and talk about how I feel and only ever scratch the surface of my emotions. Today’s New Moon in Scorpio will be in my 3rd house, highlighting intense emotional communication in the house and sign of my North Node.

Talking about the way that I feel is painful. Opening up emotionally and making myself vulnerable by sharing feelings with another person hurts.

In the past I’ve been guilty of just saying “I’m fine” and leaving it at that. A problem in the past also was finding people to talk with, yet at the same time, I didn’t know what it was I wanted to talk about exactly. Sometimes I found people who mirrored my emotional state too closely and I couldn’t bear to speak with them so I would avoid them altogether.

At times in my life I barely felt the need to speak at all – clamming up, erecting fortresses bordered by mazes, hiding, being evasive, seeking escape, fleeing from feelings of extreme vulnerability and sensitivity – until my jaw got so tight I thought I had TMJ, but I recognized it for what it was: over-restriction of my speech. I could convince myself that I had nothing to say. Chiron and Saturn were trampling my Mercury. How could I speak directly when I had a planetary vice grip around my throat?

Allowing myself to actually feel what I feel and then also allowing myself to talk about those feelings, resisting the urge to cut off and spare myself the burden of communicating uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, is a slow process. There is some part of me that feels speaking openly is like dying. Sometimes I feel that even when I’m addressing difficult subjects, I’m still holding back and keeping everything at arm’s length, I don’t dare enter all the way – I keep a safe distance. Making an attempt to talk about it makes me feel both relieved and uneasy.

Chiron #2060

Other Names

Cheiron
The Wounded Healer

Keywords

Alternative medicine
Bridge
Chronic pain
Coping
Damage / Hit points
Exhaustion
Fatigue
Guide
Healing & Wholeness
Healing psychic wounds of rejection, restoring spirit to body (from the Centaur Report
Injury
Key
Learning
Loophole
Maverick
Mentor / Teacher
Putting the 'Chiron' in chronic
Quest
Unsolvable problem
Worn out
Wounded

Many of the Chiron keywords above generously supplied by Zane B. Stein, from his book, Essence and Application: A View From Chiron.

Myth

Centaur
Shot by his pupil, Heracles, with an arrow poisoned with the blood of the Hydra
He was shot in either the foot or the thigh
Spent the rest of his life trying to alleve the pain of the wound
He willingly gave up immortality to die and escape chronic pain

Relations

Associate of the Centaurs: Pholus, Nessus
Father of Euippe
Grandson of Uranus
Husband of Chariklo
Son of Saturn (Cronus, Chronos, Kronos)
Son of Philyra
Teacher of heroes ( Asclepius, Aristaeus, Actaeon, Achilles, Jason, Medus) Source
Victim of the Hydra. The arrow that hit Chiron was poisoned with the Hydra's blood (each time you cut one of the Hydra's heads off, two new heads grow).

Cycles

Chiron is both a minor planet and a comet. It is located between Saturn and Uranus. Chiron takes about 50 years to make one complete cycle through all the signs of the zodiac. Chiron is in Libra for the shortest amount of time – 1.5 years; and in Aries the longest – about 8 years.